United States in English

There was an old American joke:
Why are men dieing earlier than women?
Because they WANT TO!

what does michael jackson love about 38 years olds?



that there is 30 of them

I had my dreams crushed yesterday. It turns out the newspaper headline "Village still looking for paedophile" wasn't a vacancy.

Hello ...

east coast anyone?

Speeding Ticket

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

Speeding Ticket 2

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself, and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What on earth am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word and examined it and the car.

"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I dont feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I havent heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night," said the officer.

25 Things Cat Lovers Know

Here is a list of 25 things that cat-lovers know, but won't admit.

- An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

- Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.

- Dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

- Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

- A cat's motto is no matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

- A cat bites the hand that won't feed it fast enough.

- Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

- Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

- Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.

- Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.

- Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

- Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.

- Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

- I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.

- I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

- In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.

- On the Internet, nobody knows you're a cat.

- One cat just leads to another.

- People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.

- Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. It's all true, and they have many other fine qualities as well.

- There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

- When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.

- You can always tell a cat, but you can't tell him much.

Where are you from?

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."

If nobody is perfect then hi, my name is Nobody

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year, you'll be surprised at how little you have.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.

A girl called me & said "Come on over, nobody is home". I went over. Nobody was home.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

I had amnesia once - maybe twice.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

boots

What do you call someone who speaks three languages?
"Multilingual"
What do you call someone who speaks two languages?
"Bilingual"
What do you call someone who speaks one language?
"Russian" ©

(Любимый Спутник @ 17.08.2005 - время: 10:59)
This topic is for those who understand only English as well as for those who want to practice in the language. Here is can be anything such as news, jokes whatever. Welcome to the American world!
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